It’s All About Me.

“It’s my life. Don’t you forget it” – Talk Talk.

I’m selfish. I want “my things”, “my desires” done “my way” in “my time”. Not someone else’s “way” or “time”. Especially God’s. I’m the only one that matters. Not you. Me. It’s all about me. We can all identify. Selfishness is a byproduct of the fall.

I really became self(ish) aware when Lori and I got married. Now I had to take someone else into account. It wasn’t dating anymore. The Bible says stuff about  “Iron sharpens iron”. “Dying to the flesh”. “Consider others better than yourselves”. It’s all true.

Then, I became more aware of my selfishness when we got a dog. Taking him outside, feeding, cleaning up after him … right in the middle of what I WANTED TO DO. Like watching football. Or playing video games. Or whatever.

But then my selfishness EXPLODED once the boys showed up. Holy crap. Feedings, changings, school, band, soccer, etc. I was dying on the inside, trying to get to the place where I could do what I wanted to do. Oh how I loved it when they finally fell asleep (still do, unfortunately). It’s my remote, now. My video games. My football. My life. Wait a sec, where’s Lori? Oh, she’s near the back of the line. Somewhere between Mario Kart and Call of Duty.

But now, I’m in a place where my selfishness is destroying me. A place where my selfishness has turned at times to a raging anger. How I battle at this unseen enemy. But there’s nothing I can do but swing at the air. “I want my daughter NOW, God!“, stamping my feet like a five-year old, “I want her here with ME. NOW!”.

And in my selfishness, I’m learning this time apart is nothing but a speck of sand on the eternal timeline. Maybe not even that much. I’m learning there’s a method to this madness. Somewhere. Right now, though, I can’t see it. And don’t want to, honestly. I’m working through that, though.

Thanks for reading.

State Department Update – aka – “We have no idea what’s going on”

So today we get a letter from the State Department telling us there will be no more exit letters until after the DRC government institutes new laws concerning adoptions. And no one seems to know when this will happen.

And again. We take another punch to the stomach. A sledgehammer to the groin, now wondering if we’re going to have to start the process all over again. 

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know if our government can put enough pressure on the DRC to let our kids out. 

Where is the hope in this? Where does my faith go when things like this happen? And honestly, I think A LOT of us feel the same way, but are too afraid to say it. But it’s OK if you do feel like this. 

I fiercely hurt for my wife – and hate like effing hell to see her wilt under the weight of this. I hurt for my dear friends KW & DW. They have no children at home – their kids sit in foster care … waiting. And waiting. And waiting some more. I hurt for a woman who I’ve never met. She’s been in the DRC for months upon months now with again, no end in sight.

And I’m sad. K knows me as “Daddy” …. but what does that mean to her? Is it just a name – like John or Bill or Sally? Am I just a face on a laptop? 

And finally … I wonder if this will ever be over. Ever.

Skype – the next best thing to being there. Whatever.

Skyped with my daughter Sunday. For some strange reason, she loves it when i drop her dolls on the ground. She starts giggling with this real high-pitched belly laugh. I pick them up and drop them again. I love to hear her laugh. 

Lori cried the other night. It was more like sobbing. I can’t cry like that. Well, let me rephrase. Sometimes I do. But very very rarely. The last time I sobbed was when I explained to K that I had to leave. She put her little hand up to my face and touched my tears. As if she was saying “It’s ok, daddy. I know you’ll come back for me.”

I struggle to not hate the ones who are keeping her there. I struggle to not hate their very existence. I know this to be a wretched and horrible way to think. These thoughts spit in the face of my creator. My Jesus. 

Lord. Forgive me for my anger and wanton hatred. I need you. I need my Savior.

A Change of Heart

Finn and I traveled to DC a couple of weeks ago to meet with our Senators and Congressmen, regarding the DRC adoption situation. It was an eye-opener. Not everyone in our government is an indifferent, out of touch with reality dirtball only seeking to serve their own good. I was surprised.

The highlight of the trip, other than the Air and Space Museum, was meeting with TN Senator Bob Corker and his amazing staff. Yeah. I said amazing.

When Senator Corker walked into the room with his team (at least 5-6 others), we immediately felt his genuine concern for our/our children’s well being. And after Corker left, his team stayed behind to answer questions and offer significant insight into the workings of the DRC “government”. I was blown away. 

Senator Lamar Alexander didn’t show up, but sent his staff instead. They were an awesome group.

Congressman Jim Cooper didn’t show up. He sent a staffer to meet with us. She was amazing … as in “amazingly” disinterested. 

But, no matter their political affiliation, there seems to be a lot of traction now with Congress. Which is great. It shows what a rowdy, loud, and headstrong group of people can do when they band together for a common cause. And I’m proud to be part of it.